Braziel
Apr 25 2015

Culturele verschillen tussen Nederland en Brazilië in de omgang met de dood: een persoonlijke verhaal.

Posted by: zedu1971 In: brazilië, culture 334 Comments

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Niets is fout en angst bestaat niet.

Gisteren heb ik de hele dag op een begrafenis doorgebracht en het was een prachtige dag.

Een van de vele Nederlandse tradities waarvan buitenlanders die hier wonen moeite hebben om te begrijpen (vooral Brazilianen in dit geval) is de manier waarop Nederlanders hun begrafenissen organiseren. In Brazilië ,voor zover ik me kan herinneren , zijn de meeste mensen binnen 48 uur na hun overlijden begraven en de begrafenis ceremonies hebben een sterk religieus karakter en lijken veel op elkaar. Vrienden en buren bereiden soep en koffie en deze worden de hele nacht geserveerd. Ik moet bekennen dat de dood van mensen in mijn omgeving me tot mijn 43 ste bespaard is gebleven en ik heb slechts weinige begrafenissen bezocht.

Terug naar Nederland. Ook als je hier nog nooit bij een begrafenis bent geweest, heb je als buitenlander zeker al wat verschillen opgemerkt. De tocht naar de begraafplaats toont een soort luxe die je verder nauwelijks ziet in dit sobere calvinistische land. Er zijn blinkende limousines, ceremoniemeesters in lange smokings, goed geklede mensen, vrouwen met hoeden, rivieren van bloemen. Als onafhankelijke en goede planners, hebben de meeste Nederlanders een uitvaartverzekering afgesloten die de kosten dekken en vele van hen plannen hun eigen uitvaart tot in de laatste details: van de gastenlijst tot aan de muziekselectie, van het soort kist tot aan het vervoermiddel naar de begraafplaats. In gesprekken met andere Brazilianen die hier wonen, heb ik zelf al commentaren gegeven en gehoord van het type : “ waarom zoveel geld aan de dood uitgeven?”, “Ze ( Nederlanders) zijn hun hele leven zuinig en sober en gaan pas in een limousine rijden als ze dood zijn”, “Waarom wachten ze een week voordat ze de overledene begraven of cremeren?” .

Gisteren, zonder maar een vraag te stellen, heb ik al de antwoorden op deze vragen gehad. Ik heb gisteren veel geleerd. Lessen van een dode man aan diegene die hem hebben overleefd.

De dode man heette Jont en hij was voor mij meer een kennis dan een vriend. Hij was de man van een vriend van mijn echtgenoot. Iets langer dan een jaar geleden had hij ontdekt dat er een ongeneesbare tumor in zijn hersenen groeide. Hij had een operatie ondergaan en een behandeling gehad om zijn leven te verlengen. Van genezing zou geen sprake meer zijn. De behandeling was geen succes en Jont’s toestand verslechterde snel. 30 November vierde hij zijn laatste verjaardagsfeest, waar iedereen die hij kende aanwezig was. Ik was ervoor uitgenodigd en was aanwezig, want ik wist dat het de laatste keer zou zijn dat hij zijn verjaardag zou vieren. Het was een mooi feest voor meer dan honderd man, zonder gehuil met veel goed eten en drank en er werd veel gelachen.

Fast forward naar gisterochtend. We waren om half tien bij Roberto en Jont aangekomen. Er waren al 30 personen aanwezig, voornamelijk familie en de intiemste vrienden, waaronder mijn man, die mede de eer had om de kist te dragen. De sfeer was bijna feestelijk. Er werd definitief meer gelachen dan gehuild. (Het gelach ontstond door humorloze grapjes die men elkaar verteld als mensen elkaar niet kennen en wat ongemakkelijk een tijd dezelfde ruimte moeten delen). Op straat voor hun huis stond al een bouwlift die de kist vanuit het raam op de eerste etage naar de straat moest brengen. Ook een politieman was ter plekke om ervoor te zorgen dat de operatie goed verliep.

Het dode lichaam was al bijna een week lang bij hen thuis opgebaard geweest. Die gelegenheid, om nog afscheid van hem te nemen, had ik laten lopen vanwege mij angst voor de dood. Onder de kist zorgde een aflkoelingsysteem voor vertraging van het onomkombare proces van ontbinding. De kosten van het afkoelingssysteem. net als alle andere kosten van de uitvaart werden gedekt door een verzekering die Jont al betaald had, tijdens zijn leven. Eenmaal op straat werd de kist gedragen door mijn man en 5 anderen naar een gracht vlakbij, waar een boot klaar lag. De boot bracht hem samen met familie en intimi naar de begraafplaats Zorgvliet. Deze begraafplaats ligt naast de rivier de Amstel. Vandaar de boottocht. De tocht naar de begraafplaats duurde bijna een uur. Genoeg tijd voor de genodigden om elkaar beter te leren kennen en van het geserveerde ontbijt te genieten. Midden op de boot lag de kist. Boven de kist een regenboog vlag met prachtige bloemen erop.

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Toen de boot bij de begraafplaats aankwam, stonden er al ongeveer 200 mensen aan de oever op hem te wachten. Heel veel bloemen en sommige ( voor mij) bekende gezichten. De kist werd weer door de 6 uitgekozen mannen naar een soort kapel gebracht. Een kapel zonder kruis, zonder heiligen zonder ster en zonder maan. Rationeel en sobere architectuur. Rechten hoeken, hoog plafond, wit, grijs en zwart marmer. Een van het soort gebouwen die je in Milaan overal ziet. Een absoluut contrast met de vormen en kleuren van de talloze bloemen op de vloer en met de eenvoud van de kist van organische pijnhout.

Zeven toespraken werden er gehouden, inclusief foto’s projectie en muziek tussendoor. Eens in de zoveel tijd blafte de labradoodle Matteo, als hij zijn naam in de toespraken hoorde. Jont en Roberto hadden Matteo als een puppy 9 maanden eerder gekocht. De sprekers waren de zusters, de collega’s van Jont’s laatste werk en ten slotte de weduwnaar.

Op het scherm verschenen foto’s van Jont’s hele leven. Van baby Jont tot en met foto’s die waren genomen toen hij al in behandeling was, waarop zijn gezicht duidelijk opgezwollen was. De muziek die tussendoor werd gespeeld was van Leonard Cohen, Annie Lenox en anderen die in het Engels, Italiaans en Duits zongen. Jont was een hele mooie man, met een ferme kaaklijn, dikke bruin haar en indringende blauwe ogen. Iets wat ik al wist over Jont, maar was vergeten, werd tijdens een van de speeches genoemd: op zijn 45 ste, had Jont afstand genomen van zijn succesvolle corporatieve carrière om zich succesvol te storten op een oude passie, het onderwijs en zijn nieuwe passie beeldhouwen.

De toespraak van de weduwnaar Roberto was degene die mij het diepst raakte. Roberto vertelde met ongelooflijke eerlijkheid over hun eerste ontmoeting in een sleazy bar in Amsterdam. Ook over hun vroege beslissing om geen conventionele en beperkende relatie te hebben. En over hoeveel Jont hem had geleerd over moed en doorzettingsvermogen. Roberto’s toespraak eindigde met het refrein van het lied in Italiaans dat net ervoor was gespeeld: “L’errore non esiste, la paura non esiste”. Oftewel: niets is fout, en angst bestaat niet. Tijdens dit lied heb ik intens gehuild, mijn hoofd bedekt door een sjaal. Een van die diepe en bevrijdende huilpartijen. Alleen daarvoor was de dag van gisteren al de moeite waard.

Na deze ceremonie werd de kist opnieuw op de schouders van de loyale vrienden naar het graf gedragen, een familiegraf waar een broer van Jont en diens man al begraven waren.

Terwijl de kist omlaag ging, zong een vriend een middeleeuws lied waarvan de nostalgie bijna tastbaar was. Daarna gingen de 200 aanwezigen om de beurt langs het open graf. Sommigen gooiden bloemen, andere strooiden aarde. Sommige hebben hun afscheid uitgesproken, andere sloegen een kruis met hun vingers, in stilte. Geen formele geforceerde hysterie.

Ten slot, een grappige overeenkomst met Brazilië: De dag eindigde met pizza. Na afloop van de begrafenis was een selecte groep uitgenodigd om mee te gaan naar een leuke pizzeria. Daar werden we ontvangen met heerlijke bruscheta’s, Vitello Tonato en vele liters Nero D’Avola. Roberto’s vader was Italiaan. Daar heb ik diepe en interessante gesprekken met vreemden gevoerd over het leven en de dood en wat er eigenlijk toe doet in de tijd ertussen. Over wat Jont ons heeft geleerd door zijn leven en door de manier die hij had gekozen om afscheid te nemen van het leven.

Ik heb nog een aantal keer gehuild omdat ik veel huil, vooral als ik over serieuze onderwerpen praat. Ik heb veel gedronken zonder te veel te drinken. Nero D”Avola is mijn een na lievelings wijn, mijn favoriet Canonau ( uit Sardinië). Ik heb het gezelschap van die bijna vrienden verlaten, bijna twaalf uur na mijn aankomst. Ik voelde me beter, wijzer, lichter en blijer. Ik heb geleerd dat het nooit te laat is om iets nieuws te leren en te herzien wat je dacht dat je al wist. Ik heb geleerd om geen situatie te beoordelen voordat je eerst midden in zo’n situatie hebt gezeten. Maar vooral heb ik geleerd dat er geen fouten bestaan en dat je niet bang hoeft te zijn. Noch voor de dood, noch voor het leven. Bedankt Jont voor je prachtige uitvaart.

in memoriam van Jont de Waal.

oorspronkelijke tekst in Portugees: Eduardo Ramos

vertaling: Braziel

fotos: Mirko Merchiori.

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334 Comments

  1. Ellis van Ramesdonk
    May 1, 2015

    Wat een schitterend verhaal. Ben blij dat Jont en Roberto zo prachtig in herinnering worden gehouden. Was bij de begrafenis aanwezig en zie door het verhaal weet alles levendig voor me.

    Reply
    • Eduardo Ramos
      May 2, 2015

      Dank je, Ellis! voor mij was het ook een bijzondere dag. Liefs, Eduardo.

  2. John J.
    July 24, 2017

    Hier in Spanje was ik vanavond voor het slapen gaan plotseling benieuwd naar wat er van Jont geworden was. Ik had hem al eerder proberen op te sporen, maar ondanks alle sociale media geen spoor van hem. Tot vanavond. Ergens had ik al de gedachte gehad dat ie er misschien niet meer zou zijn. Ik bleef lezen en twijfelen, totdat ik de naam van Roberto zag, en ik las dat hij in het graf van zijn broer Tim was bijgezet. Die begrafenis heb ik destijds mee helpen organiseren. Ik had een tijd lang een relatie met Jont. Vele herinneringen komen nu boven. Ongelooflijk dat ie er niet meer is. Misschien leest Roberto dit nog eens. Hij en ik kennen elkaar alleen van elkaar kort groeten, als ik Jont lang geleden met hem wel eens zag in het Amsterdamse uitgaansleven. Naast mijn bed staat nog steeds een tafeltje, dat Els, zijn zus, ooit mooi beschilderd had om tijdens Koninginnedag te verkopen. Heb ik toen maar gedaan. Ik spreek over het begin van de jaren 90. Het is niet anders. John J.

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